"The Other Woman" (2014)

The Other Woman (2014)
Directed by: Nick Cassavetes
Running time: 109 minutes

I really wanted to see Godzilla this week, as it had just come out and the trailers for it are freakin’ awesome (featuring Bryan Cranston actor-ing like a champion!). But unfortunately, through some crazy social logistics, The Other Woman was chosen to be the film I would see last night with some friends. And so my hopes and dreams of seeing the Cran-man tackling a cinematic behemoth were dashed. I was devastated. I will admit, it resulted in me being very bitter going in to The Other Woman, but like a professional I tried to keep an open mind and hoped that perhaps I would be treated to a surprise hit. The night may possibly have been salvaged!

Alas, ’twas not to be.

Now Showing this week is The Other Woman, a comedy directed by Nick Cassavetes. New York lawyer Carly (Cameron Diaz) has been dating Mark (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) for two months and is seeming to be in romance heaven. That is until she discovers that Mark is actually married to Kate (Leslie Mann), and that she has been an unwilling accessory in an affair. Once Kate finds out about her husband’s betrayal, she and Carly are unsure what to do with themselves. But Mark’s deceit does not end there, for he has been cheating on both Kate and Carly with Amber (Kate Upton), and this revelation sends all three of these ladies scorned into a revenge scheme against him.

That would normally be the point where I would add the cliche “and hilarity ensues”, but sadly hilarity failed to ensue. In fact I don’t think hilarity even turned up to work last night, and it certainly didn’t have the decency to phone ahead and make excuses. Now director Nick Cassavetes and I have never been the best of friends (he directed The Notebook after all), but I do still feel bad when I say: Nick, your movie just isn’t funny. Every single character was painstakingly annoying, particularly Kate. I have previously enjoyed Leslie Mann in other roles, but her performance of Kate was just so over the top, and so incredibly whiny that I just could not stand to listen to her. This was particularly bad early on in the film when she is having her breakdown after learning of Mark’s infidelity, but thankfully she became a little more tolerable once she went into revenge mode. I just could not laugh at her suffering through her relationship crumbling around her, I don’t know why. Maybe it hit close to home, maybe she just seemed to pathetic, I don’t know. But a large part of the film’s “comedy” is drawn from other characters responding to her issues, so her failings as a watchable character are a huge blow to the film.

Other characters in the film were not so overtly frustrating, but they were all just so bland and irritating on a base level that made the entire duration of the film akin to pulling teeth. Diaz’s Carly was performed decently I suppose, but there was nothing about her that could save The Other Woman from the fiasco that it was. I don’t know what they paid Nikolaj Coster-Waldau to be in this film (I assume a lot), but seeing him reduced to a stupid, confusingly motivated, poop joke driving wanker after his performance as Jamie Lannister on Game of Thrones had catapulted him into stardom just makes me sad. Stop it Nikolaj, before it’s too late. As for Kate Upton, well I didn’t expect very much and that is exactly what I got. Her character was merely a means to have those Sports Illustrated talents on the screen, she had the “dumb blonde” cliche written all over her. But Upton was most certainly the lesser of two evils when it came to the worst characters. Easily the worst would be Carly’s legal secretary Lydia…

…played by Nicki Minaj.

No. Just no. Nicki Minaj, I reject your presence in this film. I also reject your presence in the music industry, but that would be a whole other article on its own. Every minute, every second that your person was on screen was excruciating. Every line you spoke, with all the “attitude” you emphasised, made me cringe. Some star-ships were never meant to fly.

The Other Woman is one of the worst pieces of cinema I have seen in recent times. I’ve seen movies that I have thought were bad, that I had criticisms of, but I at least found some enjoyment in them. The Other Woman, with its annoying characters, dull scripting and Nicki Minaj, is a complete train wreck. Godzilla is looking better and better.

See you next time!

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